#ASKMILAN: Black men on dating white women…. ain’t that a bi–h!
Why is that black women have mixed opinions on black men in interracial relationships? And why is that when a black woman dates a white man, it’s not so frowned upon by black men? Do you think African American and Afro-Latina women feel as if they’re losing their black brothers to “privileged” white women who only care for what they have to offer in bed — and that’s absolute pleasure?
This is a very touchy subject, but let’s talk about it.
One study shows: “There are several racial stereotypes when it comes down to interracial daters. When women date men outside their race, negative stereotypes are activated, especially among older white men.
I contend that the activation of these stereotypes has a reputational cost that could negatively affect women’s experiences in the romance [department] as well as in other life scenarios.
These reputational costs could even discourage some women, who may anticipate losses to their social standing, from dating or marrying outside their race. They actually become bitter and some actually takes it out on society.
The costs also include changes in some men’s perceptions of their class status, culture values, and even sexual practices. Nevertheless, they are less prevalent amoung younger men, so these sterotypes may be weakening.
Believe it or not, interracial dating is a key social site where gender-based moral norms are policed, class divisions are constructed, and racial boundaries are maintained. For example, in school settings, students are often advised not to socialize with the “wrong crowd” because this could affect how teachers perceive them (Coleman 1963). In an experimental study, Walther et al. (2008) tested whether the characteristics of an individual’s friends affect observers’ impressions of them.
There’s an old saying, “show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.”
Nevertheless, they found that friends’ attractiveness did not affect users’ perceived moral qualities such as honesty, competency, and credibility. If our social ties have the power to shape others’ assessments of certain attributes, such as our beauty,
could they also affect assessments of other personal attributes like our class status? Now, there’s something to think about and a conversation starter amongst your peers, family and friends.
Historically, the black-white boundary in romantic relationships has been bright. The social interactions between black men and white women have been heavily policed historically, especially in the U.S. South (Childs 2009; Nagel 2003). For black men, being “found in a woman’s room” or having “inappropriate communications” with white women were considered sex crimes even after emancipation. And many African American men have either lost their lives, beaten, or serve(ed)(ing) time in prison for something that was consensual.
The mere allegation of such behaviors had the power to ignite the anger of entire communities, often resulting in antiblack lynchings between 1882 and 1930 (Hagen, Makovi, and Bearman 2013). By 1913, 42 U.S. states had antimiscegenation laws that were aimed primarily at preventing black and white individuals from forming interracial unions.
Nevertheless, in a 1967 decision, commonly referred to as Loving v. Virginia, the Supreme Court invalidated all prohibitions on interracial marriages (Nagel 2003). Mirroring these legal changes, survey data appear to show a growing acceptance of black and white couples among the general public.
“When I dated white women, it was a matter of revenge,” he said to me. “For all the racist white men I’ve encountered over the years, who messed with me for no reason, it was a way to say, ‘Yeah, that’s right. And I fucked your daughter too.’”
“With that logic, how would you feel if white men did the same thing to black women?” I asked him. “Let’s say that a black man had an issue with white men dating his daughter. If a white guy who’d been bullied by black men growing up came to dinner with a sista, smiling in the face of her black father, would that be cool with you?”
“Not the same,” he responded.
“Black women have been disrespected, fetishized and tortured for centuries. Slave women were raped repeatedly. Meanwhile slaveowners’ wives were about as antagonizing as the men. So when a white man brings home a black woman, all of that flashes through the eyes of a black father. But when a black man brings home a white woman, it levels the playing field.”
I sighed. “But if you want to ‘level the playing field,’ why not just focus on dating the same kind of women you feel were disrespected, fetishized and treated as lesser than?”
“I’m dating you, aren’t I?” he asked me.
“Don’t do me any favors,” I said, letting all of the attitude I’d been holding in check come barreling out.
That was pretty interesting…. I get that most African American women feel betrayed when they see a brother hugged with a white girl but you can’t force a guy to like you when he was never interested in you, to begin with. And guys, stop blaming our sisters by branding them as “ghetto,” “uneducated,” and “angry” because half the time you’re probably to be blamed and didn’t take the time to treat her like a princess.
But I am as likely to date someone of a different race, Latino, white or black. I like who I like — and none of my exes look alike. In order for us to truly move on and get with the times/culture, I don’t think there should be any hangups about when it comes down to race. Let me know what you think in the comments below….