#ASKMILAN – From Casual Sex/FWB to Catching Feelings… Don’t Get Caught Up!
Many of us have been in a situation that first started out as safe-casual sex — a friend with benefits type situation — that might have lasted for a few days or even more. And others have never dreamt of having a friend with benefits and had to convince themselves by saying, “I figure why not?”
For the many that are wondering what is ‘friends with benefits’, it’s when two people get together for safe-intimate encounters. Sometimes it’s planned and sometimes it is not. Take, for instance, my friend Dana; she is a very sexual woman and doesn’t mind having a little fun here and there whenever she’s in the mood. If you should ask Dana if she cares what people might think of her, she would most likely respond to you by saying, “No, I don’t care and unlike men, women too have needs that need to be met.”
So a few days ago, I sat with Dana to get some insight on what would she do if one of her regulars expressed his feelings for her. It was a very interesting conversation, and I was a little surprised by her answer. Dana explained that the only times she’s had negative experiences is when she refused to see things for what they were like for example “letting her feelings take control of her”, and/or, “thinking that a man wanted her.” But the actions were quite contrary to the way that she felt in her reasoning.
Dana kept it real with me and said that in all reality, “she’s a very sexual being, and do have needs just like the next person.” “I am definitely not afraid to get my needs met.” Low-key, at that moment, I was judging her at this point because I became a harsh critic by thinking that’s not lady-like. But as our conversation progresses, I started to see it from her perspective. In Dana’s defense, she told me she felt like she’s “practicing safe sex and remaining emotionally neutral, then what is the harm?”. “I am not an overly emotional girl and can efficiently manage and control my emotions,” she explained.
I am big on horoscopes and believe one cannot fight nature or turn a blind eye to the universe…So when we touched on horoscopes, I was extremely happy. Dana confessed to me that she is not all about horoscopes because that “sh-t can be annoying.” Really now? Anyways, she said that she’s very much the Aquarius woman when it comes to that regard. Adding, “I can feel, be loving or if needed, I can be cold as ice and not feel a thing.”
This is where I found out Dana had found herself a new boo-thang, and come to find out, he once stood on the friends with benefits team. But how did it get from fwb to dating? Dana said, “well, our kisses felt different, and the sex wasn’t the same. [HIS] attention towards me period felt different.” “[I] also noticed that he noticed the small things, new manicure, a top he hasn’t seen, my hair and all. Everything, period.”
But what happened next… “We started out doing couple stuff. He runs his fingers through my hair when I’m talking to him or grabbing my hand and holding it as we talk,“ she continued. “He made the first move by asking if I would be open to dating because he thinks I’m dope and it’s not just about the sex for him. In his words, I Actually just like spending time with you, just being around you.” Dana said she told him, “yes,” and it’s been a cool five months of blissful lovemaking and hoping it will remain just like that in the many months to come.
I am definitely happy for my homegirl, but I had to ask her if asked to give advice to someone in the same situation she was in, what would she say. Dana said, “the truth is that if you actually like him or her too, then go for it. But if you don’t, just indicate that to the person and move on. Don’t waste your time nor his because karma is a true b–ch.”